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May. 27th, 2005
What am I supposed to ask for?
May. 27th, 2005 06:43 pmI'm trying to make sense of things. Scott dumped me this afternoon (on the street too--who does this feel like? oh yeah!) because he felt we didn't really work. I didn't talk enough and that wasn't exciting. (Never mind all the exhaustion inherent in job-seeking, graduating, not being able to sleep, people's constant expectations of me to get a job/provide free tech support for them/provide general aid and comfort to them, blah blah blah.) Apparently I also never asked for anything, which was apparently the worst thing of all.
What am I supposed to ask for?
Here is what I've gotten most of my life: being told I was shit, being beaten up, being locked away, threatened with being thrown away, being thrown away. On the occasions ANYTHING good happened to me, such as winning an award, being complemented on intelligence/appearance/whatever, there was always someone there to make a derogatory comment, or worse, nothing.
So no, I never ask for anything, because you know what, I'm not going to get anything, except possibly another kick while I'm down.
The big gifts that were given to me, they were never asked for. That time I was put away and my friends rescued me, they did that on their own. I didn't ask for them to help me, but they did. Everytime I've been unbelievably hurt and some one comforted me, they did it because they wanted to, not because I asked.
I don't know how to ask for things, so I don't do it. I don't even know what to ask for, except sometimes a fair chance, and that's the hardest thing to ask for apparently.
People say I'm a good person, and I try to believe that, but forgive me if it's damn hard, or after a night of nightmares, impossible.
I'm sorry if I'm a hard person to be with. In my next life I'll be sure to be the 24/7 entertainment person, I really will. But right now, I'm just exhausted and worn out, and right this minute, unbelievably hurt.
okay /rant-bitch-moan
What am I supposed to ask for?
Here is what I've gotten most of my life: being told I was shit, being beaten up, being locked away, threatened with being thrown away, being thrown away. On the occasions ANYTHING good happened to me, such as winning an award, being complemented on intelligence/appearance/whatever, there was always someone there to make a derogatory comment, or worse, nothing.
So no, I never ask for anything, because you know what, I'm not going to get anything, except possibly another kick while I'm down.
The big gifts that were given to me, they were never asked for. That time I was put away and my friends rescued me, they did that on their own. I didn't ask for them to help me, but they did. Everytime I've been unbelievably hurt and some one comforted me, they did it because they wanted to, not because I asked.
I don't know how to ask for things, so I don't do it. I don't even know what to ask for, except sometimes a fair chance, and that's the hardest thing to ask for apparently.
People say I'm a good person, and I try to believe that, but forgive me if it's damn hard, or after a night of nightmares, impossible.
I'm sorry if I'm a hard person to be with. In my next life I'll be sure to be the 24/7 entertainment person, I really will. But right now, I'm just exhausted and worn out, and right this minute, unbelievably hurt.
okay /rant-bitch-moan