Just a Sci-Fi Kid Like Me

Back from the con, still exhausted. I was not prepared for how grueling it would be, surrounded by hundreds of people and standing in lines repeatedly. But I also see how addicting they can be, and now understand how people can make a point of going year after year--the little highs of connection were startling.

Some examples:

- The unexpected tactility of actors. I was not expecting to getting little unasked for touches? Kim Rhodes patted my back after the op; Jared Padalecki and Sebastian Roche both patted my shoulder in farewell. For my J2 op I had just asked the boys to look intensely over my shoulder at my notebook (in which I had written "Very Serious Supernatural Research!!" and where I pointed to "The answer to this week's mystery is right here!!"  and which three different handlers checked before the boys saw it) and Jared put his hand on my back and his head right by my shoulder, like, his cheek was touching my hair, y'all.

- Actors' expressions up close! Misha-as-Cas gave me a small little smile in farewell--which is apparently unusual when he's in Cas mode. (I did the same book pose with him.) I also told him in the autograph line that I wrote a paper comparing his poetry to Mary Wroth and he looked up at me with his big gummy smile and said "No way!!" and then I got a heart next to his signature. (Other people got the heart too, but not everyone did.)

- Verbal reciprocations?! A woman a few spaces ahead of me in the autograph line said "I love you, Jared!" and he said "I love you too!" So I did the same thing and he responded with equal sincerity. When I was an attention-starved youngling this would have tilted the axis of my world. As an adult, and knowing the performativity inherent in it, he's still on a rather short list of people who have said that to me.

I went in with the plan of this being the only SPN con I ever do. And yet I 100% see the temptation to return.

SPN fandom still mad and currently doing a multi-day social media event to promote fan works and raise money for Southern Poverty Law Center. 

If you don't care about the fandom BUT would like to give money to promote social justice for LGBT folks consider donating please.

Not only could they not stick the landing, they missed the runway, rolled over five times, and exploded.

A fandom of fifteen years dies in giggles, not tears.

We can't mock GoT anymore.

I mean, Jensen said he struggled with the ending, and now we know why. A year ago (or so) he sits down with the showrunners. "Okay, how does this end?" "Well you see, Dean dies by being shoved onto a rusty nail while fighting vampire mimes." "...What?" "Yeah, and then he goes to Heaven and drives around in the Impala listening to Kansas." "Huh?!" "And meanwhile Sam is on Earth living an apple pie life but clearly miserable and suffering for like forty more years." "I--okay. Where's Cas?" "Meh, offscreen somewhere. He helped fix Heaven but he doesn't have time to say hi or anything." "...."

Seriously. The most fucking bizarre experience of my fannish life.

Because I am tired and tomorrow will be a Very Long Day Indeed.

This weekend I binge-watched Lucifer S4. I struggled a bit at first with the way one of the main characters was OOC, but I thought it was usefully explained towards the end. Compressed to ten episodes and now on Netflix rather than Fox, the CGI was upped, the adult content a little more so (we got to see Luci's butt, and even better, Ella's), but the pacing felt rushed, despite the ten eps taking place within a time frame of eight months or so. All that said, I still adore everyone in that bar, and earnestly hope it is renewed for S5.

Meanwhile I have been enjoying Game of Thrones this season, and look forward to the grand finale this weekend. I know a lot of people have been disappointed by decisions, which I get--I'm less than thrilled by some of them too--but I'm also like, Were we not here for the plot twists rather than the characters anyway? I mean really.

Also, check out this twitter thread  on GoT by one of the SPN writers, notes that "what a show like Supernatural promises its audience in completion is so different than what a show like GoT owes" and "For one thing, SPN believes in heroism--GoT never really has. For another, for all its worldbuilding, SPN is a show about core characters; GoT is about a world. Both shows foster strong emotional identification with their characters--but on SPN that is the whole point; on GoT it is more of a byproduct/enticement for a larger point/story." To me this bodes Really Well for whatever SPN's epic finale is next year. 

 I was going to post about my awesome first week at work, but then late yesterday came the news about S15 being the end of Supernatural. Which....on the one hand shouldn't have been a surprise, because that's a damn long time, and yet kind of was anyway, because it has been so good and with good ratings lately.

My favorite comment thus far is, "Anyone else notice that spn is ending exactly 10 years later than it was supposed to? Like alright, ‘fess up. Who made a crossroads deal?"

Tumblr is a mess/a little scary about it. A LOT of AKF folks talking about how the show saved their lives and so on. I'm a little worried there might be an actual spate of suicides when it's over. I hope not, but....SPN fandom is an intense, scary place.

I'm sad, and think I would be sadder were it not for the aforementioned awesome week. I do worry about the hole it will leave in my life though....even accounting for periods when I stopped watching and then came back, it's been a part of my life for a long time, and its absence will be felt.

At least there's always fandom...

 Season 12 is when SPN got consistently good again. There are a couple of weak spots (eg. Sam and Dean, who have both been tortured in Hell amongst other traumas, being broken by six weeks in solitary confinement by the US gov. That was just....dumb. And then apparently the British Men of Letters can easily nerf a secret detention center?? Bah. DUMB.) but in general the plot and character arcs are solid af.

Mary Winchester was resurrected in the S11 finale. Finally, the boys have their mom back! And it turns out that...their dream of the perfect mother/nuclear family unit was all bullshit. Which is a plot decision I love for undercutting gender expectations and so on, but as a fangirl frustrates me because it hurts to see my boys hurt. Mary Winchester is not thrilled about being back from the dead. She's not sleepwalking through life ala Buffy S6, but she also does not know how to deal with two adult sons--or three, if you count Castiel, which she does, calling him one of "her boys". Interestingly, the show seemed to start a Mary/Cas friendship in early episodes where Cas urges her to talk to Dean and so on. This was a really interesting decision and the writers seem to have forgotten about it, for better or for worse. But there are some great character moments, particularly with Jody Mills in "Celebrating the Life of Asa Fox." When Jody meets Mary, her response is an excited "It is so wonderful to meet you!!!!!!" and she gives Mary a big hug. Mary is...uncomfortable. By the end of the episode Jody has a greater sense of the emotional schism of the family and she too tries to help fix it, telling Mary that the boys are such good men. Mary says that she knows, and looks apologetic. There's so much shorthand there that is wonderfully done, even if it hurts. By the end of the season, in "Who We Are" Mary has been partially brainwashed by the British Men of Letters into a human weapon to kill other Hunters going after Jody. JODY is the one who provides medical care and back-up when they go on the offensive against the BMoL, but before that is just a wonderful moment of Jody holding Dean's hand as he stares wordlessly at Mary. He is DONE with her bullshit, even if it doesn't altogether come from her. 

The other big plot line is Lucifer and his impregnating a nephilim son. I enjoyed Lucifer more in S11 when it was him being the brat son of God. On Earth and on his own he is chaotic evil with a lot of Trumpisms, because S12 started in 2016 and decided Fuck Yeah We're Getting Political. 

The British Men of Letters plot is interesting in how it functions as a weird colonialization plot that isn't too self-aware. Like, the British MoL include people they have colonized (an Irish character, another who is Indian) and so more diverse than the Americans who are primarily white dudes. That just seems ill thought out to me.

There are several good standalones: "The One You've Been Waiting For" where Dean kills Hitler (which he is delighted about for EPISODES after), "Regarding Dean" where a spell makes him mentally regress and contains some of Jensen Ackles' best acting (the scenes where he stares at himself in the mirror, reciting his name, that Sam is brother, that Cas is his best friend, OW MY SOUL OW), "Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets" about a woman on a vengeance quest against angels.

This season also gives us some amazing Destiel moments. I was talking with a friend recently about how in earlier seasons there are a lot of moments where Destiel is played for laughs or as insults, eg. Balthazar's line in S6 where he says "I'm sorry, you've got the wrong angel, I'm not the one in the dirty trenchcoat that's in love with you." In this season, the subtext flirts a lot more with text. In "Stuck In the Middle (With You)" Cas is stabbed and thinks he is about to die, so he says "I love you" and the camera IMMEDIATELY GOES TO DEAN, then he adds "I love all of you" and it goes to Sam and Mary. Okay. Then in "The Future" we find that at some point Dean made Castiel a mixtape of his favorite Led Zeppelin songs (and this seems to reflect back on a bit in the season opener where Dean explains that his parents fell in love to Led Zeppelin, so heaaaaaaaavy family mythology text here in a season already filled with it) and when Cas tries to give it back after an argument Dean hands it back and says "This was a gift. You keep those."

Like. I know I'm a broken fangirl, but how the hell else are you supposed to read that scene??

The season concludes with the discovery of Apocalypse World, the shitty au where the boys were never born and never saved the world; the death of Crowley by self-sacrifice--which was beautifully done but such a goddamn loss for the show; and the last-minute murder of Castiel and birth of the nephilim Jack. This show is always brutal about cliffies, but that one was really bad.

Okay then. Deep breaths. Time for S13.

 Season 10 is shockingly forgettable. It has its moments, but it suffers from an excess of plots:

* There's Dean dealing with the Mark of Cain.

* There's Cole, the son of a man Dean killed. Plot twist, his dad was monster, Cole is eventually convinced the Winchesters are the good guys.

* There's Rowena's introduction and her feud with Crowley.

* There's "the house of Styne" family.

* There's the reintroduction and rescue of Claire Novak, bb!Hunter to be.

* And the aftermath of the war in Heaven.

That's a lot. That's a dumb amount of a lot.  

There are a few highlights to the season: the "Fan Fiction" musical episode (with the brief appearance of Chuck!) and the epic team-up of Jody and Donna in "Hibbing 911". There's also the just BAD, as when they killed Charlie--and a looooooooooot of people tapped out after that.

The misfires: I still can't get over that we had Demon!Dean and he was just mostly an asshole who drank a lot, fucked around, started fights, and did bad karaoke. Like, you'd think if you're going to utterly degrade "the Righteous Man" you could have done something....interesting? Instead the scene with the most punch is in the season finale, "Brother's Keeper", when the boys argue about good versus evil and have a fist-fight. Given the years of layering parallels--Michael vs. Lucifer, Cain vs. Abel--this should have been....bigger.

Anyway, on to Season 11. Season 11 I remember being slow at first and then picking up with a vengeance, and the show not slowing down since.

A friend of mine said that S8 was when she almost tapped out, which I find interesting as it is so. much. better. than S7. It's still a fairly weak season, but at least Cas is back, there are several ongoing plots, and things actually build on one another without relying on major character death to move them along. 

The season starts with a time jump of one year from the previous season finale, and the first half of the season contains regular flashbacks from both Dean's and Sam's pov to fill in the gaps. Dean led a rough, violent exist in Purgatory, searching for Castiel and making an ally in a vampire named Benny, who he immediately resurrects--very uncharacteristically--on his return. Sam was devastated by Dean's seeming death, stopped hunting and abandoned Kevin (?!!?!), adopted an injured dog, and had a romance. The lighting for both characters' stories is different, with Dean in washed out greys and Sam's in soft-focused, sentimental lighting.

Then they reunite and the boys are back in business, but mutually furious with one another--Dean because Sam never looked for him and abandoned the mission, Sam because he sacrificed his attempt at an apple-pie life. It's not a good look on either character, especially Dean, who as usual without Cas is frankly abusive. 

Dean's friendship with Benny is a solid and actual healthy relationship, which makes it all the sadder that Benny opts to sacrifice himself to save Sam for Dean. Benny was a great character, but I do think he works best as appearing in only a single season.

This season also has several touchstones for Destiel 'shippers, from Dean's joyful smile at finding Castiel in Purgatory to Cas overriding TONS of Heaven's programming to save Dean in "Goodbye Stranger." There's interesting backstory in that, as filmed, the dialogue from Dean that "wakes" Cas up is "We're family. We need you. I need you" while the lines as written concluded with "I love you" but Jensen Ackles felt that Dean wouldn't say that. (I'm a 'shipper but I agree with that decision; at this point Dean is so damaged that the l-word is just beyond him. It just is.)  And again with how whenever Dean loses Cas, he is just emotionally devastated and takes his rage out on those around him. (John Winchester, I blame you.) 

I had also overlooked that the episode also contains the most overt argument for Megstiel, where Meg is hurt and on the run from Crowley, and she and Cas have a heart-to-heart. They had a flirtation in S6 with a mock-passionate kiss, and a solid friendship in S7. Here, they are on the edge of actually getting together, except Crowley kills her. It's kind of a bummer, and yet I think it's interesting that they made a point in doing away with the one significant heterosexual relationship Cas ever almost had. 

The season also includes two delightfully geeky episodes with Felicia Day's Charlie, "LARP and the Real Girl" and "Pac-Man Fever." *happy sigh*

The second half of the season introduces the Men of Letters and their Bunker, which becomes the boys' first ever permanent home. (Dean excitedly nests, for the first time in his life having his own room; he buys a memory foam mattress, hangs up his weapons on the wall, and puts the small photo of his mom in pride of place on a desk.) The plot consists of a plan to close the gates of Hell and Heaven, which Sam takes on himself as a sacrifice, because that was the pattern for the first ten years. Crowley becomes the Big Bad. It's exhausting. Metatron is introduced in the final episodes, tricking Cas, and sending most of the angels to earth in a terrific "meteor storm." Cas becomes human. So much potential....

Season 9, here we go.

 Season 7 is not only as bad as I remember, but possibly worse. It's reminiscent of Season 1 in that it is largely monster-of-the-week plots loosely connected by the Leviathan arc, so there's very little momentum from episode to episode. It's also unrelentingly grim, with very little of the flashes of humor that characterized other seasons.

The season opener, "Meet the New Boss" features "Godstiel", Castiel empowered by the Leviathans and determined to correct all the world's mistakes. I wish they had extended this plot line, killing Cas in say ep 15 instead of ep 3, but no. Instead we get montages of Cas's acts, including walking into a conservative church where he makes a homophobic pastor choke on his own tongue. "You're wrong, I am utterly indifferent to sexual orientation. On the other hand, I cannot abide hypocrites like you, Reverend" is a great moment. Later, Dean listens to news on the radio of other targets, including white supremacists, and that the KKK has been forced to disband. "Can't argue with that one," Dean says with a shake of his head. 

And then it's all downhill from there. Cas is possessed by the Leviathans and seemingly dies, leaving Dean to hold on to his trenchcoat and grieve for the next few episodes. (It's interesting to see how Dean's grief, flirting with alcoholism and depression, looks forward to his reaction when Cas is killed again at the end of S12. His grief in S13 "Lost and Found" is consuming; for several episodes he is both suicidally depressed and angry to the point of abuse with Jack and Sam. That episode also has a scene where he literally rends cloth to prepare Cas's body for a funeral pyre, and the whole thing just hurts to watch.) When watching at the time, I had naively assumed that Castiel would always come back, which was apparently not the plan until the ratings were in the toilet and they brought him back. I think the absence of Cas as a character--not just Misha the actor, who has never had a full season contract anyway but is a recurring regular--really shows up how central the Dean/Cas story is to the show itself, even if I know a fuckton of fangirls would disagree with me.

I remembered only a handful of episodes from the first half of the season--and all because of special guest stars: "The Girl Next Door" because of Jewel Staite, "Defending Your Life" with the last appearance of Jo, "Slash Fiction" because it had the guy who played Tigh on BSG. I had utterly forgotten that "Shut Up, Doctor Phil" had James Marsters and Charisma Carpenter in it, though when I rewatched I remembered hoping that we'd see them again (we don't).

"Season Seven, Time for a Wedding!" is also notable for being the first time (as far as I know) a significant number of fans tapped out; "fangirl" Becky Rosen uses a love potion to drug and marry Sam, though it is referenced in the text that they never consummate. This is also Becky's last episode, though the show continues to engage with fandom. It too has a great guest star--Leslie Odom Jr. as a crossroads demon, who is hilarious and charming and dispensed with at the end.

Probably the best written episode of the season is "Death's Door" which takes place largely in Bobby's mind while he is in a coma after being shot in the head in the previous episode. Rufus returns as a memory to guide him towards waking up--briefly, to pass on some final information--and I again felt robbed that we never got a Bobby & Rufus show. But there's a LOT of good character stuff here, including scenes where Bobby, contrary to John's orders, takes child!Dean out to throw a ball around rather than teaching him to shoot--and the phone call he has with John after, where they argue about it. (Again: John Winchester, a fucking piece of work.) The memories center around the revelation that Bobby shot and killed his own abusive father, his fear that he'd become like his old man, and how he broke his wife's heart when he told her he didn't want to have kids. When the memory of his father yells at him for breaking everything he touches, Bobby yells back, "Uh-huh. Well, as fate would have it, I adopted two boys, and they grew up great. They grew up heroes. So you can go to hell!" and ow my fucking soul ow. 

And then Bobby's dead, leaving the boys alone. I remember chatting with friends after, all of us shocked that they would actually kill Bobby. (I think it's telling that he has nonetheless "returned" at least once a season as either a memory, spirit, or alternate universe counterpart. The 'verse needs Bobby Singer, at least what it can have of him.)

Anyhow, it's tempting to try to skip through to the final episodes so that Cas will return and Charlie will be introduced, but I'm going to try to stick with it!

S5 continued the awesomeness of S4. It's incredibly tight with very little wasted space for monsters-of-the-week that don't advance the main plot, something later seasons really struggle with in a visible way.

A bunch of things I had forgotten: How everyone treats Sam like crap for starting the Apocalypse--this really only recedes in the penultimate episode when Bobby watches him rescue like twelve people without blinking. "We've been sending that boy into burning buildings since he was ten years old" YES YOU HAVE. Also how transparently multiple characters are dealing with depression/suicidal ideation because of being unable to deal. Early on Bobby is confined to a wheelchair, and in a later episode he pulls out a bullet and a revolver and explains that he looks at them first thing every morning and asks himself if "this is gonna be the day" he blows his brains out. Castiel is basically prepared to lie down and die several times ("I went to a liquor store and I drank it." Gee, wonder where he got that coping mechanism from?). Dean is actually about to allow Michael to use him as a vessel in return for Lisa and Ben's safety and Sam identifies it as a "farewell tour." And SOMEHOW I had forgotten that Castiel angrily beats Dean up for being willing to do this, because "I gave up EVERYTHING FOR YOU and THIS his how you repay me?!"

Which actually sets up S6 very nicely, with Cas's determination to keep Dean safe.... Even if it goes particularly poorly.

I also noticed that early Lucifer is way less manic than current Lucifer. Also that Padalecki plays him very differently than Pellegrino--and that when Collins played Cas-possessed-by-Lucifer in S11 he was basically using Pellegrino's mannerisms and, uh, vocal tones? Whatever you call that, I went back and checked and he sounded a LOT like Pellegrino in a really eerie and interesting way. I don't think Padalecki's choice to not do that in both his eps as Lucifer is a lesser choice, just an interesting one, in that it gives a little more space for the vessel-as-influence, if that makes sense.

I had also overlooked that they clustered the more lighthearted eps--"Changing Channels" and "The Real Ghostfacers"--right before "Abandon All Hope" which....damn. That was dark, writers, that was dark.

I also think that the original "happy ending" of Dean's apple-pie life with Lisa is really weak, and I have a new appreciation for how S6 shows that up. Dean tries to be normal, but at this point he has so much PTSD that it is hard if not impossible. And we already know as the years go by that that gets worse and not better--even Sam gives up on the idea of leaving the life. Which I think sets up in a way that, whenever the show does end, it's not gonna be to that apple-pie life...