caitri | Sep. 6th, 2005

THINGS HAGRID THE HALF-GIANT WOULD SAY IF HE SERVED JESUS INSTEAD OF HARRY POTTER BY HART SEELY:

"Blimey, jeez, it's be gettin' ter lunchtime, an' I could eat meself the back end of a Phil'stine. How 'bout doublin' up a quick pile o' loaves?"

"Budge up, yeh money-changin' lumps! This 'ere boy weren't meant ter be a blinkin' Muggle! Fer gawd sake, he's King o' the Jews!"

"Codswallop! All 'm sayin'‚ boy, is tha' yeh gots ta be eyeballin' tha' Judas bloke. When a disciple goes o'er to the dark side, they's nothin' tha' matters to 'em anymore!"

"Speakin' of cups runnethin' over, laddie, mine's be gettin' a mite dry. How 'bout changin' this 'ere water into somethin' a bit more, well, frisky?"

"Lilies o' the field? What lilies? The way yeh jabber on, yeh all mus' be pullin' straight A's in Professor Dumbledore's Exposit'ry Metaphors and Parables class!"

"Why, if a fellow wanted ta get away clean, Peter-me-lad, all they'd have ter do would be ta deny they ever even knowed Jesus. Uh-oh. I shouldn't eh told yeh that."

"Ah, go boil yer spleen, Pilate! Yeh stink-handed prune! Yeh've done me savior wrong, an' now yeh've gots ter pay!"

Is it owned by Fox?? Tonight they have on a two hour documentary about "Roman Vice"--including the shocking--shocking! I say!--revelations that the ancient Romans read naughty books, gambled, ate too much, and had sex. (Where DID they think little Romans came from? just out of curiosity...) So then they spend ten minutes on a new discovery in Pompeii of these mosaics at a changing room in the bath displaying what the Romans considered taboo sexual practices--the idea apparently being you'd remember which was your locker if it had a picture of people getting on on it rather than a number (and darn if that doesn't make sense, too). BUT then what they do is they blur out all the pictures and they never even *say* what was going on--so we now know even the Romans had limits but not what they are. I *think* one of the blurs may have been cunnilingus (oh, sure, you can have orgies all the time but you can't go down on a chick, TYPICAL) but I'm not too sure. So now I have a total curiosity about deviant ancient sex. Go figure.