The Bullshittening Continues
Oct. 24th, 2019 08:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
caitri So my friend who bugged out on me like four months ago because I couldn't knock out two book chapters with her because I was preoccupied with trying to defend and graduate, and couldn't possibly wait like a normal fucking person? Well we were having a thaw in relations this week, or so I thought, and I was feeling encouraged.
And then I had a meeting with my boss this morning--she is v. pleased with me! yay--about how I should start thinking in terms of long-term goals and start thinking "pie in the sky" as to what I'd want to do to further my projects. Like, the things she threw out there were stuff like start a journal, run a conference, get some DH projects running. And this cheered and encouraged me, and I brought them to my friend.
Who like. Was borderline fucking rude about it. I said, just to be clear, these are things we can think about long-term. Her response: "appreciate it. but, i'm juggling about four big projects right now and i can't start anything new for a very long time. you might have more freedom being tenured and post diss." I'm like, okay, just letting you know there were options. (She was rather snide at the idea of starting a new journal. "it'd be more realistic" to try to get positions on the journals extant now--which wouldn't be wrong, but one of them is more or less going up in flames as we speak between the costs of being a yearly hardcover and annual and because the previous editor resigned for being a sexist bastard.)
For better or for worse, I feel like I've done every peace offering I can, and like...I tried. I'm officially being punished for wanting two months to finish the diss, and she's the one who threw the project away. I also feel like I dodged a bullet there, to say nothing of now being "free" to do other things. But I want my fucking friend back.
But I also think, at this point, is she even my fucking friend anymore? Like. I saw a thing on Tumblr a while back that went something like, "If you're trying to understand someone who hurt you and can't make sense of their actions rationally, then let knowing that difference is between you be its own closure." Was I only ever as good of a friend as I was useful to her? (Although if that is the case, why isn't she friendlier at the options of major institutional backing?) Is she just that selfish and spiteful? (Sure seems like.)
Anyway. We still have our shared database and shared blog, which I will continue to work on, but it's fucking weird to basically be in a "loveless marriage" for our shared projects. Though to abuse the same metaphor, I also have no intention of giving up shared custody either--I'm still doing a lot of work on them. Sigh.
And then I had a meeting with my boss this morning--she is v. pleased with me! yay--about how I should start thinking in terms of long-term goals and start thinking "pie in the sky" as to what I'd want to do to further my projects. Like, the things she threw out there were stuff like start a journal, run a conference, get some DH projects running. And this cheered and encouraged me, and I brought them to my friend.
Who like. Was borderline fucking rude about it. I said, just to be clear, these are things we can think about long-term. Her response: "appreciate it. but, i'm juggling about four big projects right now and i can't start anything new for a very long time. you might have more freedom being tenured and post diss." I'm like, okay, just letting you know there were options. (She was rather snide at the idea of starting a new journal. "it'd be more realistic" to try to get positions on the journals extant now--which wouldn't be wrong, but one of them is more or less going up in flames as we speak between the costs of being a yearly hardcover and annual and because the previous editor resigned for being a sexist bastard.)
For better or for worse, I feel like I've done every peace offering I can, and like...I tried. I'm officially being punished for wanting two months to finish the diss, and she's the one who threw the project away. I also feel like I dodged a bullet there, to say nothing of now being "free" to do other things. But I want my fucking friend back.
But I also think, at this point, is she even my fucking friend anymore? Like. I saw a thing on Tumblr a while back that went something like, "If you're trying to understand someone who hurt you and can't make sense of their actions rationally, then let knowing that difference is between you be its own closure." Was I only ever as good of a friend as I was useful to her? (Although if that is the case, why isn't she friendlier at the options of major institutional backing?) Is she just that selfish and spiteful? (Sure seems like.)
Anyway. We still have our shared database and shared blog, which I will continue to work on, but it's fucking weird to basically be in a "loveless marriage" for our shared projects. Though to abuse the same metaphor, I also have no intention of giving up shared custody either--I'm still doing a lot of work on them. Sigh.
