On Why I Am an Asshole

Last week I got a troubled email from Andrew which I've tried to not think about, but today I broke down and called and left a message. He wrote me back this afternoon saying his relationship was in the toilet and to please understand that he couldn't deal with my gloating and that one of the things he missed most about the whole situation was our friendship without my bitterness and anger.

So now I feel a bit of a shit. I wrote him a long email back saying I am one sick pup and that was in no ways an excuse for my behavior the past months but that he should know that I would never have gloated and that I am sorry and would do whatever I can to help him, and I am trying to get better myself

Maybe I shouldn't do that (I know people who would argue for the exact opposite, in fact), but he's been my oldest and best friend for ages and to think of life without him entirely makes me physically ill.

See, this is why I have such problems putting me first: I do and I hurt other people, special people who I should never ever hurt (and that just isn't him either). I'm afraid I've fucked up things utterly when I was only trying to make them right.

Part Deux

I know you can't keep everyone happy all of the time but I wish that by helping one friend I couldn't disappoint another. Things with Andrew are somewhat straightened--neither thinks of the other as an asshole now--but at the price of my Attempted Pride and my other friend's good opinion, which I respect. These two guys are whom I love, respect, and admire the most in the world and it kills me that they are so disparate. I refuse to choose between them, as well, as that's not fair to me and holds my love and friendship for both cheap.

They are different sides of the same coin. Maybe the only thing I could do that would be truly fair would be to let them both go, but that idea makes me beyond sick. (And perhaps it's Attempted Pride, but I'd like to think they would both miss me.) I suppose that is selfishness but it is also self-preservation: I truly believe I would fall apart irreperably if it weren't for them.

I am trying to get together. I feel what I feel and I can't help it but I try to ignore it, or if not ignore it at least still try to do what's fair to all. I know neither of them love-love me but I do love them, and as much it hurts me I think I am better for that and for them.