caitri | On Why I Am an Asshole

Last week I got a troubled email from Andrew which I've tried to not think about, but today I broke down and called and left a message. He wrote me back this afternoon saying his relationship was in the toilet and to please understand that he couldn't deal with my gloating and that one of the things he missed most about the whole situation was our friendship without my bitterness and anger.

So now I feel a bit of a shit. I wrote him a long email back saying I am one sick pup and that was in no ways an excuse for my behavior the past months but that he should know that I would never have gloated and that I am sorry and would do whatever I can to help him, and I am trying to get better myself

Maybe I shouldn't do that (I know people who would argue for the exact opposite, in fact), but he's been my oldest and best friend for ages and to think of life without him entirely makes me physically ill.

See, this is why I have such problems putting me first: I do and I hurt other people, special people who I should never ever hurt (and that just isn't him either). I'm afraid I've fucked up things utterly when I was only trying to make them right.