caitri | Movie Review: Conan the Barbarian

Okay, first off, this is a solid Howard adaptation: This means: Lotsa blood, lots of boobies, and lots of awkward exposition via dialogue like "Know you not he was battleborn? His first taste of life was the blood of his mother!"

Speaking of awkward exposition, FRIKKIN' MORGAN FREEMAN did the opening narration!! I spent the rest of the film hoping he'd pop up again, but no.

Anyway, it stands along with Kull the Conqueror and Soloman Kane I think. True confession: Ahnold's Conan movies never did anything for me. So.

Okay, stuff I really liked:

*Hellboy as Conan's dad. Ron PErlman, I am always happy to see you.

*Everything about Jason Momoa. Though I really prefer him with facial hair and dreads. (Ronon/Khal Drogo I adore, but Jason's jaw is just distractingly SQUARE.)

*The main good guy POCs make it out alive. Like, when we first saw Conan's black bestie Artus I was like "Oh shit, he's doomed!" but in the last third he's like 'I'll be waiting for you in my boat after your battle thing' and I was like you sir, are a smart motherfucker, just sayin'. There's also a thief that was played by a guy I thought was Skaara from SG/SG-1 but wasn't. But anyway he had a couple awesome D&D moments.

*The sheer Warhammer 40kness of the witch-chick.

Stuff I didn't really like:

*How some scenes reminded me of "The Eye of Argon" which I *know* is a Howard pastiche, but cf. the boobies. (There were a lot of boobies, okay?)

*The weird incestiness of witch-chick and her dad.

*How many times Conan stuck his sword in the ground dramatically. THAT IS BAD FOR YOUR BLADE, DUMBASS.

*The lack of irony.

Seriously, if this movie had been self-aware, it would have a ton more audience play than the sword & sorcery geeks like me. As it is, its sincerity is its undoing, but man, the Rifftrax will be a thing of beauty.

In short, it was a lovely Saturday afternoon entertainment, great for killing a couple hours pleasantly. Otherwise it is fairly forgettable, aside from Momoa's chiseldiness.