The Fifteen Minute The Last Legion
Sep. 4th, 2007 11:08 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
caitriIt really should be five minutes because the movie just doesn't warrant fifteen minutes, but it turns out I have a lot of venom to spew. It makes 300 look like a meticulously researched historical epic.
It's 460 AD. Insert brief and nauseating history of Rome, starting with a badass sword specially forged for Julius Caesar. It has a pentangle on it and whoever has it rules. Or something. It was lost after the last of Caesar's line, Tiberius dies.
Scott: Um, the last of the Julio-Claudians was actually Nero...
Tiberius was the last emperor with dignity, a great man of poetry and blah blah.
ME: Do whaa?
SCOTT: Oh we're in trouble...
THE LAST LEGION
COLIN FIRTH rides into town with FAT SOLDIER, PRETTY SOLDIER, and AFRICAN SOLDIER WITH NICE DREADS. They are watched avidly by ROMULUS, aka Baby Caesar, who is perched on a large statue that appears to have been stolen from Minas Tirith.
COLIN FIRTH, in possibly historically correct African legionary armor: Damn, it's nice to be back in Rome, cradle of civilization, again. Africa was really hot which is why I'm all scruffy. I'm really looking forward to my new job as Head of the Imperial Guard.
PRETTY SOLDIER: I'm going to go have a public bath, because that's what we do in this time period.
ROMULUS sneaks into COLIN FIRTH'S tent to admire his good suit of armor, which is definitely not historically correct Roman.
COLIN FIRTH: Thief! Off with your hand! Because that's what we do these days!
AFRICAN SOLDIER WITH NICE DREADS acts all intimidating, makes like he's going to lop off ROM's hand, and instead dumps him in the public bath.
COLIN FIRTH: You can tell I'm really a good person because I didn't actually have his hand cut off.
BEN KINGSLEY, dressed as Gandalf, comes in and fusses over a blubbery ROMULUS: Did the bad man hurt you? There there. I will perform some magic and look intimidating.
He does.
SOLDIERS: Ooooh.
PRETTY SOLDIER: How did he do dat?
There's a long, boring scene where Visigoths visit Roman politicians and grumble about how they aren't treated right. One of them is KEVIN MCKIDD under shitloads of facial hair and makeup. Next is a long, boring scene where ROMULUS'S DAD kicks BEN KINGSLEY out of town for being all philosophical or something. After that is a boring scene where ROMULUS is proclaimed Emperor of Rome. COLIN FIRTH is shocked and cowed to be working for the kid he made blubber. ROMULUS plays a pretty good Alpha Male, but he ain't no Octavian. Later:
ROMULUS: Mom, there've been five Caesars in five years. Am I gonna die?
ROMULUS'S MOM: Well that's historically inaccurate, so probably not.
Later that night, the Visigoths attack and sack Rome. ROMULUS's parents are killed and he is taken hostage by KEVIN MCKIDD. A bloody COLIN FIRTH emerges from under a pile of corpses.
COLIN FIRTH: What the fuck?!
Us: No kidding.
COLIN FIRTH limps to a friend who expositions how Rome has been sacked, all the surviving legionaries have either been killed or decided to work for the Visigoths except for the guys we met earlier who will be executed any minute, ROMULUS is a hostage who will probably be executed, the world has gone to hell in a handbasket, and would he like to talk to the emissary from Constantinople, DR. BASHIR?
DR. BASHIR, in very heavy mascara: I'm pretty sure I should be from Alexandria rather than Constantinople in this get up, but whatever. Here's a heavily masked warrior of mine. Go have fun and kill things.
COLIN FIRTH: Okeedokee. MYSTERIOUS WARRIOR, do everything I say because I'm a strategic genius in this film. Now, I'm going to put on this furry cloak and pretend to be a Visigoth and you're going to be pretend to be my prisoner, except you really won't be, and we'll go rescue everybody, okay?
MYSTERIOUS WARRIOR nods.
COLIN FIRTH: You're the quiet type. I like that.
They go do just that. MYSTERIOUS WARRIOR turns out to be a fucking Cassiline or something and kicks lots of ass while COLIN FIRTH saves everybody. Then there's a long, boring scene where the Visigoths try to decide whether or not to kill ROMULUS. KEVIN MCKIDD is all for it, because he's, like, evil. Everyone else dithers because a ten year old in a fancy robe just isn't that intimidating. BEN KINGSLEY enters with mist and a crow and creeps everyone out, so they decide to send them to the impenetrable fortress at Capri.
SCOTT: There's an impenetrable fortress at Capri?
ME: If it's impenetrable, why do they already have it?
The Visigoths suspend BEN KINGSLEY over the cliffs because he won't shut up or something. From up there he realizes there are pentangles everywhere and urges ROMULUS to find Caesar's Magical Sword of Kick-ass so he can rule. ROMULUS does so with ease.
Meanwhile our leftover legionaries are bathing and regrouping. MYSTERIOUS WARRIOR turns out to be a hot Indian chick named MIRA.
COLIN FIRTH: I am totally unmoved by your large bosoms. Because I'm the good guy and emotionally retarded I will therefore not acknowledge for an hour that we are the romantic leads. Go get us a boat while I put all twenty of my skill points into Siege Engineering and climb up the cliff.
MIRA: Yessir.
MIRA finds a random dude with a boat, bewitches him with her bosoms, and then hits him on the head. She then joins COLIN FIRTH in climbing the cliff so they can get squished together and have comic-relief sexual tension. Later, she makes a big show of killing like twenty guys while everyone else watches. After that PRETTY SOLDIER makes a big deal of getting the door for her, because chivalry isn't dead. Or something.
SCOTT: This means it's a comedy, right?
ME: Let's keep telling ourselves that...yeah...
Everyone gets back to the camp and gets betrayed by Dr. Bashir and COLIN FIRTH'S FRIEND. The Visigoths have arrow machine gun things. FAT SOLDIER gets Hero'd with like a hundred.
SCOTT: Can we leave now?
ME: It's like a train wreck, I can't look away...
Everyone escapes and decides to go to Britannia, where apparently there is like one last legion. There follows a long Lord of the Ringsey travel montage of everyone walking over giant snow-covered mountains. Twice.
ME (singing): They're taking the Hobbits to Isengard-gard-gard...
Britannia looks a lot like Canada. Hadrian's Wall looks to be in excellent condition but no one is there.
COLIN FIRTH: Well this is weird. Ooh, look, people.
PEOPLE: We're the legion you left behind. We've totally assimilated peacefully with the local Celtic culture which is why we're all in kilts and skins. We're not too interested in you because we're too busy worrying about Vortigern, the local Angle warlord.
BEN KINGSLEY: I keep having flashbacks about him! He's a mean badass alright--he gave me that scary pentangle burnmark on my chest! Not to worry, we have young Caesar and the Magic Sword of Julius Caesar that whoever has it gets to rule!
PEOPLE: Um. Okay?
Meanwhile KEVIN MCKIDD finds Vortigern and they make a deal.
VORTIGERN: You mean you BEN KINGSLEY is here and he has the Magic Sword of Julius Caesar that whoever has it gets to rule!
KEVIN MCKIDD: Um, yeah. But I really just want to kill the kid. Cos I'm evil.
VORTIGERN: I'm in! Let's go kill people!
They do.
PEOPLE, to the good guys: They're killing us because you're here! Go home!
COLIN FIRTH: Um, hello, Vortigern is killing you because he's EVIL and he wants the Magic Sword of -- Oh whatever, fuckit, the two hours is almost up. We're going to stay at the wall on an honorable suicide mission and you guys just do whatever the hell you want. Fight with us, go away, have fun,whatever--pardon me while I go to bed now.
MIRA: I want to cuddle with you. Our practice fight earlier has filled me with overwhelming love for you.
COLIN FIRTH: Okay.
The next day our gang is at the wall with about a hundred other people. There are thousands of Visigoths and Angles coming out of the woods facing the wall that weren't there the day before.
COLIN FIRTH: MIRA, if we get out of this alive, maybe we can cohabitate or something. ROMULUS, you are my Caesar and the son I never had.
COLIN FIRTH and ROMULUS have a big forced hug.
MIRA: ROMULUS, stay with me on the front line. For no particular reason.
ROMULUS: Okay. The fake nuclear family unit that fights together stays together. Because we're going for the family demographic right now.
FAMILY DEMOGRAPHIC: AWWWWWWWWW.
The battle ensues. Hadrian's Wall, which should be fucking impenetrable, is easily penetrated. Quite frankly, it looks like they just gave up and let them in. ROMULUS runs off into the field. PRETTY SOLDIER goes to rescue him and gets sidetracked by like thirty dudes who thwack him on the head. AFRICAN DUDE WITH NICE DREADS goes to rescue him and gets skewered. PRETTY SOLDIER wakes up just in time to comfort him as he dies.
AFRICAN DUDE WITH NICE DREADS: Damn, we're honorable. Why do I have to be the one that gets it? Ack.
He dies. In the distance the ninth legion has finally deigned to show up, marching in perfect formation. Things are starting to look good, particularly when they get into Testudo formation.
Meanwhile, ROMULUS and KEVIN MCKIDD find each other. COLIN FIRTH swoops in to rescue his not-son as Mira belatedly realizes he's missing.
Me: Yeah, that family is going to work well.
COLIN FIRTH is stabbed and writhes on the ground while Romulus watches. ROMULUS kills KEVIN MCKIDD to avenge his parents. Meanwhile BEN KINGSLEY and VORTIGERN have a wizard battle or something. BEN KINGSLEY grabs VORTIGERN'S Friggin' Cool Mask, pushes him in a tree that suddenly blows up, then steals his horse and rides to a nice hill that overlooks everything.
BEN KINGSLEY: I have the Friggin' Cool Mask! Good guys win! Yay!
All the bad guys run off. The surviving heroes gather around the gasping COLIN FIRTH who is clearly prepared to give a nice death speech to MIRA.
ROMULUS: Hey, you still work for me now. I command you to get better.
COLIN FIRTH gasps and nods. Everyone smiles.
ROMULUS: Since I hold the Magic Sword of ruling, I'm going to rule! And since I rule, I'm going to throw this sword! That means I don't believe in war and we'll have peace and a golden age and everything will be peachy!
The sword goes flying and gets stuck in a fucking stone. Do you see where this is going? I bet you do. There's a weather montage so we can tell lots of time has passed. BEN KINGSLEY is out for a stroll with a kid, not Romulus.
BEN KINGSLEY: And after that, COLIN FIRTH and MIRA got married and lived happily ever after. And ROMULUS changed his name to Pendragon.
KID: Hey, that's my dad's name!
BEN KINGSLEY: That's right, Arthur. As for me, my name is really Merlin. Do you see where this is going?
ARTHUR: Not really, I'm just a kid. Wheee!
And he runs past the Magic Sword of Ruling that is Stuck in the Stone. The camera pans to show that the Latin writing on it has been obscured so it just reads E S CAL I BUR. Do you see where this is going? Do you? Do you?!
The End.
SCOTT: Oh that was so bad. Why did you make me go see this?
ME: Because I've never seen Colin Firth in a movie that sucked ass before. Or Ben Kingsley just really blow it. And oh my god, why was Kevin McKidd even in this? Did they tell him Ray Stevens was going to be in it or something?
SCOTT: I'm picking the next movie we see. Let's go watch Rome before I claw my eyes out.
ME: Good idea.
It's 460 AD. Insert brief and nauseating history of Rome, starting with a badass sword specially forged for Julius Caesar. It has a pentangle on it and whoever has it rules. Or something. It was lost after the last of Caesar's line, Tiberius dies.
Scott: Um, the last of the Julio-Claudians was actually Nero...
Tiberius was the last emperor with dignity, a great man of poetry and blah blah.
ME: Do whaa?
SCOTT: Oh we're in trouble...
THE LAST LEGION
COLIN FIRTH rides into town with FAT SOLDIER, PRETTY SOLDIER, and AFRICAN SOLDIER WITH NICE DREADS. They are watched avidly by ROMULUS, aka Baby Caesar, who is perched on a large statue that appears to have been stolen from Minas Tirith.
COLIN FIRTH, in possibly historically correct African legionary armor: Damn, it's nice to be back in Rome, cradle of civilization, again. Africa was really hot which is why I'm all scruffy. I'm really looking forward to my new job as Head of the Imperial Guard.
PRETTY SOLDIER: I'm going to go have a public bath, because that's what we do in this time period.
ROMULUS sneaks into COLIN FIRTH'S tent to admire his good suit of armor, which is definitely not historically correct Roman.
COLIN FIRTH: Thief! Off with your hand! Because that's what we do these days!
AFRICAN SOLDIER WITH NICE DREADS acts all intimidating, makes like he's going to lop off ROM's hand, and instead dumps him in the public bath.
COLIN FIRTH: You can tell I'm really a good person because I didn't actually have his hand cut off.
BEN KINGSLEY, dressed as Gandalf, comes in and fusses over a blubbery ROMULUS: Did the bad man hurt you? There there. I will perform some magic and look intimidating.
He does.
SOLDIERS: Ooooh.
PRETTY SOLDIER: How did he do dat?
There's a long, boring scene where Visigoths visit Roman politicians and grumble about how they aren't treated right. One of them is KEVIN MCKIDD under shitloads of facial hair and makeup. Next is a long, boring scene where ROMULUS'S DAD kicks BEN KINGSLEY out of town for being all philosophical or something. After that is a boring scene where ROMULUS is proclaimed Emperor of Rome. COLIN FIRTH is shocked and cowed to be working for the kid he made blubber. ROMULUS plays a pretty good Alpha Male, but he ain't no Octavian. Later:
ROMULUS: Mom, there've been five Caesars in five years. Am I gonna die?
ROMULUS'S MOM: Well that's historically inaccurate, so probably not.
Later that night, the Visigoths attack and sack Rome. ROMULUS's parents are killed and he is taken hostage by KEVIN MCKIDD. A bloody COLIN FIRTH emerges from under a pile of corpses.
COLIN FIRTH: What the fuck?!
Us: No kidding.
COLIN FIRTH limps to a friend who expositions how Rome has been sacked, all the surviving legionaries have either been killed or decided to work for the Visigoths except for the guys we met earlier who will be executed any minute, ROMULUS is a hostage who will probably be executed, the world has gone to hell in a handbasket, and would he like to talk to the emissary from Constantinople, DR. BASHIR?
DR. BASHIR, in very heavy mascara: I'm pretty sure I should be from Alexandria rather than Constantinople in this get up, but whatever. Here's a heavily masked warrior of mine. Go have fun and kill things.
COLIN FIRTH: Okeedokee. MYSTERIOUS WARRIOR, do everything I say because I'm a strategic genius in this film. Now, I'm going to put on this furry cloak and pretend to be a Visigoth and you're going to be pretend to be my prisoner, except you really won't be, and we'll go rescue everybody, okay?
MYSTERIOUS WARRIOR nods.
COLIN FIRTH: You're the quiet type. I like that.
They go do just that. MYSTERIOUS WARRIOR turns out to be a fucking Cassiline or something and kicks lots of ass while COLIN FIRTH saves everybody. Then there's a long, boring scene where the Visigoths try to decide whether or not to kill ROMULUS. KEVIN MCKIDD is all for it, because he's, like, evil. Everyone else dithers because a ten year old in a fancy robe just isn't that intimidating. BEN KINGSLEY enters with mist and a crow and creeps everyone out, so they decide to send them to the impenetrable fortress at Capri.
SCOTT: There's an impenetrable fortress at Capri?
ME: If it's impenetrable, why do they already have it?
The Visigoths suspend BEN KINGSLEY over the cliffs because he won't shut up or something. From up there he realizes there are pentangles everywhere and urges ROMULUS to find Caesar's Magical Sword of Kick-ass so he can rule. ROMULUS does so with ease.
Meanwhile our leftover legionaries are bathing and regrouping. MYSTERIOUS WARRIOR turns out to be a hot Indian chick named MIRA.
COLIN FIRTH: I am totally unmoved by your large bosoms. Because I'm the good guy and emotionally retarded I will therefore not acknowledge for an hour that we are the romantic leads. Go get us a boat while I put all twenty of my skill points into Siege Engineering and climb up the cliff.
MIRA: Yessir.
MIRA finds a random dude with a boat, bewitches him with her bosoms, and then hits him on the head. She then joins COLIN FIRTH in climbing the cliff so they can get squished together and have comic-relief sexual tension. Later, she makes a big show of killing like twenty guys while everyone else watches. After that PRETTY SOLDIER makes a big deal of getting the door for her, because chivalry isn't dead. Or something.
SCOTT: This means it's a comedy, right?
ME: Let's keep telling ourselves that...yeah...
Everyone gets back to the camp and gets betrayed by Dr. Bashir and COLIN FIRTH'S FRIEND. The Visigoths have arrow machine gun things. FAT SOLDIER gets Hero'd with like a hundred.
SCOTT: Can we leave now?
ME: It's like a train wreck, I can't look away...
Everyone escapes and decides to go to Britannia, where apparently there is like one last legion. There follows a long Lord of the Ringsey travel montage of everyone walking over giant snow-covered mountains. Twice.
ME (singing): They're taking the Hobbits to Isengard-gard-gard...
Britannia looks a lot like Canada. Hadrian's Wall looks to be in excellent condition but no one is there.
COLIN FIRTH: Well this is weird. Ooh, look, people.
PEOPLE: We're the legion you left behind. We've totally assimilated peacefully with the local Celtic culture which is why we're all in kilts and skins. We're not too interested in you because we're too busy worrying about Vortigern, the local Angle warlord.
BEN KINGSLEY: I keep having flashbacks about him! He's a mean badass alright--he gave me that scary pentangle burnmark on my chest! Not to worry, we have young Caesar and the Magic Sword of Julius Caesar that whoever has it gets to rule!
PEOPLE: Um. Okay?
Meanwhile KEVIN MCKIDD finds Vortigern and they make a deal.
VORTIGERN: You mean you BEN KINGSLEY is here and he has the Magic Sword of Julius Caesar that whoever has it gets to rule!
KEVIN MCKIDD: Um, yeah. But I really just want to kill the kid. Cos I'm evil.
VORTIGERN: I'm in! Let's go kill people!
They do.
PEOPLE, to the good guys: They're killing us because you're here! Go home!
COLIN FIRTH: Um, hello, Vortigern is killing you because he's EVIL and he wants the Magic Sword of -- Oh whatever, fuckit, the two hours is almost up. We're going to stay at the wall on an honorable suicide mission and you guys just do whatever the hell you want. Fight with us, go away, have fun,whatever--pardon me while I go to bed now.
MIRA: I want to cuddle with you. Our practice fight earlier has filled me with overwhelming love for you.
COLIN FIRTH: Okay.
The next day our gang is at the wall with about a hundred other people. There are thousands of Visigoths and Angles coming out of the woods facing the wall that weren't there the day before.
COLIN FIRTH: MIRA, if we get out of this alive, maybe we can cohabitate or something. ROMULUS, you are my Caesar and the son I never had.
COLIN FIRTH and ROMULUS have a big forced hug.
MIRA: ROMULUS, stay with me on the front line. For no particular reason.
ROMULUS: Okay. The fake nuclear family unit that fights together stays together. Because we're going for the family demographic right now.
FAMILY DEMOGRAPHIC: AWWWWWWWWW.
The battle ensues. Hadrian's Wall, which should be fucking impenetrable, is easily penetrated. Quite frankly, it looks like they just gave up and let them in. ROMULUS runs off into the field. PRETTY SOLDIER goes to rescue him and gets sidetracked by like thirty dudes who thwack him on the head. AFRICAN DUDE WITH NICE DREADS goes to rescue him and gets skewered. PRETTY SOLDIER wakes up just in time to comfort him as he dies.
AFRICAN DUDE WITH NICE DREADS: Damn, we're honorable. Why do I have to be the one that gets it? Ack.
He dies. In the distance the ninth legion has finally deigned to show up, marching in perfect formation. Things are starting to look good, particularly when they get into Testudo formation.
Meanwhile, ROMULUS and KEVIN MCKIDD find each other. COLIN FIRTH swoops in to rescue his not-son as Mira belatedly realizes he's missing.
Me: Yeah, that family is going to work well.
COLIN FIRTH is stabbed and writhes on the ground while Romulus watches. ROMULUS kills KEVIN MCKIDD to avenge his parents. Meanwhile BEN KINGSLEY and VORTIGERN have a wizard battle or something. BEN KINGSLEY grabs VORTIGERN'S Friggin' Cool Mask, pushes him in a tree that suddenly blows up, then steals his horse and rides to a nice hill that overlooks everything.
BEN KINGSLEY: I have the Friggin' Cool Mask! Good guys win! Yay!
All the bad guys run off. The surviving heroes gather around the gasping COLIN FIRTH who is clearly prepared to give a nice death speech to MIRA.
ROMULUS: Hey, you still work for me now. I command you to get better.
COLIN FIRTH gasps and nods. Everyone smiles.
ROMULUS: Since I hold the Magic Sword of ruling, I'm going to rule! And since I rule, I'm going to throw this sword! That means I don't believe in war and we'll have peace and a golden age and everything will be peachy!
The sword goes flying and gets stuck in a fucking stone. Do you see where this is going? I bet you do. There's a weather montage so we can tell lots of time has passed. BEN KINGSLEY is out for a stroll with a kid, not Romulus.
BEN KINGSLEY: And after that, COLIN FIRTH and MIRA got married and lived happily ever after. And ROMULUS changed his name to Pendragon.
KID: Hey, that's my dad's name!
BEN KINGSLEY: That's right, Arthur. As for me, my name is really Merlin. Do you see where this is going?
ARTHUR: Not really, I'm just a kid. Wheee!
And he runs past the Magic Sword of Ruling that is Stuck in the Stone. The camera pans to show that the Latin writing on it has been obscured so it just reads E S CAL I BUR. Do you see where this is going? Do you? Do you?!
The End.
SCOTT: Oh that was so bad. Why did you make me go see this?
ME: Because I've never seen Colin Firth in a movie that sucked ass before. Or Ben Kingsley just really blow it. And oh my god, why was Kevin McKidd even in this? Did they tell him Ray Stevens was going to be in it or something?
SCOTT: I'm picking the next movie we see. Let's go watch Rome before I claw my eyes out.
ME: Good idea.
